My Stimulus Plan

MY STIMULUS PLAN!
By: The American Speaker in the House;
Claudia Roazen
When I heard about President Obama and the Democratic Party’s stimulus plan to dig the economy out of debt, job loss and eventual bankruptcy I said “Wow what a great idea for my own economic woes!” I was saddle by huge credit card debt due to bad money mismanagement and had little saved as a result of short sighted greedy investments that had tanked. I had no more money to pay for my house; car and even groceries were getting tight. I wrote a nice respectful plea letter to the Federal Reserve and waited anxiously for their expected reply to bail me out. No reply? I then realized that I probably needed to write to my state’s Senators and I paused to catch my breath when I realized that both Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins were Republicans and Republicans were against the stimulus plan. Oh the relief that came to me, when I found out, that along with Arlene Spector of Pennsylvania both my senators from the great state of Maine had broken ranks with their party and backed the stimulus plan. So I penned them both a letter about my economic crisis and again waited patiently for a reply. No reply? I was starting to get a little bugged but I came to my senses and realized that government was a slow, deliberative body that took its time to advance anything, yet I could not get over how fast they had acted to pass the stimulus plan. They kept saying time was of the essence and I knew personally what they meant as the credit collectors kept calling and the repo men kept driving around my block.
Then I realized that when you wanted anything done you had to start at the top. I again wrote a respectful letter to president Obama and even complimented him on his lovely family while I asked politely for my bailout money. No reply, well no reply from the president but the FBI and the Secret Service for some reason actually came to my home with my letter in hand and after submitting to a polygraph, being fingerprinted and photographed I was questioned for hours about my letter’s request. They told me not to write to the president again and something about my name now being on Homeland Security’s domestic agitators list.
Well, I don’t have to tell you that the repo man finally found my car and the bank foreclosed on my house and the credit card companies were moving to attach my wages, that is, before I lost my job. So when I learned that the government was asking China to buy its debt, I…I…NO…I did not write the Chinese government, I don’t know Mandarin, but I realized that I did have a benefactor like Communist Totalitarian State China,…yes…my parents.
So I moved back home, they paid off my bills and made me sign a credit default swap agreement that would require me to reimburse them once I found work and started to making money again. They said it was their AIG plan. AIG they explained meant (Adult Ignorance Guardian) and any money I acquired went to them until they could trust me. I feel like I’m back in a time warp because my parents have no computer, no cell phones, an old fifteen inch picture tube television and the only twittering in my life now is out on the back porch next to birdfeeder and it is not very STIMULATING!
However I’m not bitter, because well if I was bailed out like General Motors I probably would have gone bankrupt anyway as they did.. My parents are doing fine monetarily but they have a very weird financial policy. It’s strange but it goes something like this; always save most of your money in no or low risk investments, only borrow or charge on credit what you can pay for without borrowing, live within your means and always be prepared to expect the unexpected expense. When they told me that last provision they both sneered as they pointed in my direction and I felt they were trying to say something to me. Oh well, if I don’t like it I guess I can bone up on Mandarin and see if “they” answer my letter.